Same Sex Marriage, five years on
 

Members at West Lane Baptist Church, Haworth have reflected on their decision to register their building for Same Sex Marriage (SSM) five years ago, minister Chris Upton writes

Five years ago West Lane Baptist Church, Haworth took the decision to register for Same Sex Marriage (SSM).

This decision was undertaken after a number of church meetings. We invited external inputs from three different people who helped us reflect on a variety of biblical, theological and sociological perspectives, and how Baptist Union Council had arrived at their current position.

Everyone in the church was given plenty of time to think, reflect and share their own opinions. We are not a large church with only about 40 members on our books, but we worked hard to encourage good turn outs at these meetings which lasted just one hour each. 

After these meetings we knew that we would be voting on whether or not to register for SSM. We spent a good deal of time considering the possible different outcomes of the vote and what to do in each case. Was a simple majority a big enough percentage to register… was a 2/3 majority or higher needed? Our constitution lays some of the these guidelines down for calling a minister or electing a deacon but (funnily enough) says nothing about the task in hand. 

Eventually we decided that, albeit a fudge, we would take the vote and then see what the membership thought the ‘mind of Christ’ was saying to us.

The vote had 22 members in favour, one abstention, and three against (not every member was able to be present) and the discussion that ensued was clearly of the opinion that we should register. In the end we were pleased we had not put up a percentage threshold that needed to be crossed, with winners and losers, and the feeling was very much that ‘the mind of Christ’ had been sought and found by the whole process.

Recently it seemed right to reflect again on the process and this was done by via a short reflective questionnaire that simply asked three questions:

• What were your feelings at that time?  
• What are your feelings now? 
• Any further thoughts or comments?

The responses to the questionnaire have been enlightening and encouraging, and this has led me to write this piece in the hope that it might be useful for other churches too. The congregation’s two overwhelming feelings were of pride in having taken the decision to register, along with sadness that other churches hadn’t yet had the discussion.  

A couple of typical questionnaire responses from people who were in favour of the decision.  (Everybody signed their own questionnaires but I have changed their names here).

From Brian: 
1) I felt very strongly we should support SSM, but also was conscious of others’ opinions/hesitations
2) So proud that we are a welcoming place everyone.
3) -

From Betty
1) Happy that our church was willing to consider the issue and hopeful that it would bring change.
2) Glad that we are a welcoming church and that more people are coming to church as a result.
3) We have more work to do and there are others we can learn from.

From Bob
1) I hadn’t started coming to this church at the time
2) Proud.  I am proud to be part of a church that has stood up for what I believe is right, a place that is genuinely welcoming to all and not afraid to face criticism to do so.
3) -


Brian and Betty, along with many others were pleased that we had taken the decision we did five years ago. Bob is one of a number of people who has joined the church since the decision was made, having heard about it via the local community grapevine. Unintentionally it seems to have been a great evangelistic tool.

I highlight three very different questionnaire responses that recognised that an earlier ambivalence came from ignorance rather than conscious choice.

From Bertha:
1) I didn’t agree,
2) Now I feel that I had no right to judge
3) They are a great asset to the life of the church

From Beryl:  
1) Apprehensive
2) That I was wrong.
3) That they are an asset to the church.

From Bernard:
1) Strongly against
2) Things change… learnt more about same sex marriage 
3) It was something that was never talked about and things are much more open to discuss now.


The correlation between Bertha and Beryl suggests to me that they had discussed the questionnaire together before writing their individual answers. This is no surprise and reminds me that we are social beings, modelling and reflecting one another’s opinions, being led by one another consciously and unconsciously.

The deeper learning that surprised us as a church (but perhaps shouldn’t have…) was connected to the process rather than the subject matter. Talking and listening and bringing light to bear on a supposedly contentious issue drew the sting and the stigma away from it. Strong views against SSM were held but they were based on silence and shame rather than conscious and owned reflection and choice. No members of the church left because we took the initial decision to discuss the topic or after the results of the vote and the registering.

As a church we are now considering what other areas of unconscious bias we might have. With the hiatus on church services as a result of the Covid pandemic, it seems a good time to reappraise “what we do and why we do it”, rather than just going back into our old pattens and ways of being without thinking.

As the minister of the church for the last 21 years I am delighted to be part of such a thoughtful and open congregation that is always ready and willing to look at itself and change, so it can respond to the changing needs of the day.  If I can be of any help to readers of this letter then please do get in touch.
 

Chris Upton is minister of West Lane Baptist Church, Haworth, Yorkshire